by Sherry Seehof
Given in the Blue Star Memorial Temple
August 18, 2024
My talk is about how my life took an unexpected turn into a three-and-a-half year spiritual journey that has changed my perspective on my life as a Templar.
I started coming to Halcyon in 2006 and joined the Temple in 2007. Before coming to the Temple, Eleanor Shumway was my junior high school English teacher. I frequently visited Halcyon on my daily runs in high school and purchased the best yogurt I’ve ever had, probably from Marti Fast, at the Halcyon store. As a child, I declared that I would someday live in Halcyon. I had no reason to think this but knew it to be true.
Life went on, and I moved to Los Angeles to attend school and start a family. Fast-forward to 2020, and I have lived in Halcyon for a number of years. This is where the subject of my talk begins.
A perfect storm of circumstances came together to precipitate my journey, and it has taken time for me to see clearly that my experience was for the benefit of my spiritual growth. Over three and a half years later, although I am still healing from the experience, I am whole enough and have the impulse to speak on what I believe was spiritual testing, a burning of the dross, and a dark night of the soul.
My purpose in sharing this personal experience is to enlighten others about the many ways our spiritual journeys can unfold. Although each journey is different, it can be helpful to hear others’ experiences to help put into context these sacred mysteries as much as we are allowed, knowing that not everything sacred can be shared.
In early January 2020, circumstances with my mother’s health had changed, making it necessary for me to take some time off work. What started as a six-week leave of absence turned into an early retirement. On February 28, 2020, I retired from my job after 30 years, entirely unplanned.
I viewed it as a mixed blessing because COVID-19 had begun to spread by this time; it was all over the news, including that a national shutdown was coming. California’s lockdown started sometime in March 2020.
Within a couple of months of my retirement, my mom declined to the point that she needed to be in a care facility to ensure her safety. My plan to care for her had fallen apart, and the struggle to find a good facility for her proved to be extremely difficult during the Covid shutdown. Somehow, my brother and I found a way to make it happen, but it was no easy task.
The Covid lockdown sent me into a spiral of panic and terror. If I got sick or got sick and died, who would be there for my family if they needed help both emotionally and financially? That fear weighed heavy on my mind.
I had identified so strongly with my career and position at work that I no longer knew who I was or my life’s purpose. My persona, my idea of who I was, shattered into a million pieces. At the time, I didn’t realize how much stopping work had affected me.
I decided that my medication for anxiety must not be working, so I stopped taking it. This is ill-advised under any circumstance without a doctor’s guidance, but in my mind, I thought, why take it if it wasn’t working? I made a decision that seemed to “make sense” at the time.
It had always been a great joy to perform Noon service in the Temple. However, I was too afraid to leave my house for any reason, including to perform noon service.
At this point, my “self,” or self-perception, began to unravel. I wasn’t consciously aware of this, but looking back, I can mark this as the beginning of a long testing period.
During this time, our beloved Halcyon was bracing itself against forces of disintegration and division. I felt the currents of these forces deeply.
My body and mind began to break down and manifested in a severe infection and a break with reality. Going to the emergency room for panic and anxiety attacks became a monthly occurrence, but I resisted taking any medication.
I was fearful of being poor, of being homeless, of taking too much medicine, of being around people, of continuing to live — irrational thoughts, but very real to me at the time.
Finally, I subconsciously shut down to protect myself. I stopped eating, sleeping, and driving and could not cook meals or do daily chores. I was dependent on James for everything.
My family did what they could, but what can you do when someone resists treatment and is so out of touch with reality? I bounced between being manic and pacing back and forth and being frozen and unable to read, talk, or watch TV. Sometimes I couldn’t form a complete sentence. They decided to hospitalize me, and it was the same choice I would have made in the same circumstances.
As a result, I was in one hospital and two different treatment centers, all leaving me in worse shape than when I entered. While hospitalized, I saw the worst of humanity in care providers who lacked human compassion while dealing with the most vulnerable members of society. This increased my fear and anxiety. I had been pressured to sign papers that stated I could be kept hospitalized as long as the doctor deemed necessary. In my debilitated state, I did what I was told and signed off under pressure. Ironically, my saving grace was my greatest fear…I contracted COVID-19. This hospital didn’t want to deal with COVID-19 and discharged me, still unwell mentally and now physically with COVID-19.
If it weren’t for James answering my call for help and bringing me back home, I genuinely don’t believe I would be here today. He made the drive to Southern California to bring me home, still unwell and not knowing what would happen. I firmly believe that he called in the healing forces of the Lodge and brought me home to the only place I could truly heal: Halcyon, a place that requires quiet, concentration, aspiration, unified endeavor and faith in each other and in the common purpose. James ensured I received the needed help and complied with doctors’ orders. My gratitude to him is beyond measure. Today, I believe that going through the hospitalizations and living through that experience was essential to my spiritual growth.
It is interesting to note that this was like an out-of-body experience. I can only guess that my higher self was watching from above my physical body during the entire experience. I can recall everything that happened and every interaction like a recorded movie.
Those are the details of my outer plane journey. The details of my journey on the inner planes I hold sacred, and can best be described in the Temple Teachings lesson I will now read. It’s in Volume Two, page 45, called The Great Test:
There comes a severe test to every human soul, a test which pertains exclusively to the plane of operations on which the soul is functioning for the time being. It comes alike to the physical, mental, astral, and spiritual self, and comes at the hour of the greatest need of each. It comes in different guise according to the nature of the plane of operations. In each case, the soul is tempted by the same desire, however ignorantly or inefficiently, the desire is expressed or even understood by the lower mind.
It is recorded that the devil took Jesus up on a high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the earth, and said, “All these things will I give thee if thou wilt fall down and worship me. In order to reach that high place, the emissary of darkness must release the human soul of Jesus and open his vision to the astral light, with all its reflections of suns, stars, planets, and races of humanity. He said, “All these my creations will I give thee if thou wilt fall down and worship me.”
But the divine self of Jesus recognized not only the worthlessness of the gift but the powerlessness of the would-be giver to bestow the gift. The real substance of those reflections, in other words, the life of the souls (the creations) of which he saw only the reflections, was of the Father; and the Father and Jesus (the Son) being one, all things were already His. The power by which Satan would tempt Jesus, Jesus already possessed. It was part of his birthright as it is a part of the birthright of every other human soul.
The difference between the fully evolved soul and the less developed in this respect all lies in the ability of the one to recognize the possession of that power and to exercise it, and the lack of such power of recognition in the other. Such ability can never come to a soul until the hour of its final testing, for the power is latent until it is called into active manifestation when the satanic emissary in effect says, first to the physical soul, “Worship me, I am the demonstration, the medium by and through whom all that lasted for unclean things, that thirst for self-gratification, that desire for worldly wealth now seething in the lower nature may be satisfied. I alone can give you these.”
Again, the same emissary, in another guise, comes to the astral soul and offers a refinement of the same gratification, exquisite beauty, satisfaction of eye and ear, satisfaction of the finer forms of the same lusts of the flesh, enjoyments more in accord with the subtle, sensuous nature of the astral body.
Again, it comes to the spiritual soul: “All these things, the satisfaction of all thy higher desires, power over all that is above and beneath thee, the majesty of God, rule over the powers of evil — all, all that the universe holds in store shall be yours if you will fall down and worship me.”
When that hour comes, the supreme test is on. Think of possession of power to fully satisfy desire, to remedy all existing evils, to change all wrong into right; power to bring life or death to all sentient beings, power to rule supreme over Angels and demons — and all these for such an apparently little thing in exchange — just a recognition of the existence and power of God in evil.
But with the “Get thee behind me, Satan !” of the tempted soul, there springs into activity all the hitherto latent power that Satan promised but could not give. Then comes to full recognition of its unity with the great Father-Mother Soul, a realization of its Son-ship, a true valuation of the illusive demoniacal character of the things that has thus renounced, and a love transcending all other love for every thing and creature ensouled by Divinity. It has won all by Divinity. It has won all by giving all; and never until that hour can the God-begotten soul of man know peace, know the fulfillment of the promises made by its divine progenitors.
The moment I was plunged into darkness, I had a choice: fight with all my strength to save my soul or give up and sink into the dark night. I had to go deep inside to find the tiny spark of light as small as a mustard seed, waiting there for me to see it, feel it, and grow it into a flame to light my way back to the path of Love, away from fear. It happened in a split second.
It took many months to process and assimilate what had happened. I healed a little each day and began to study the Dark Night of the Soul, including writings by St. John of the Cross, Teresa of Avila, Thomas Moore, and Eckart Tolle.
I studied Temple teachings on the testing forces and initiations. It was reassuring to know that this was part of the process of spiritual growth for me. It was a test of my faith in God, in all I believed in.
I began to find my footing slowly but surely. Three and a half years later, I am more grateful for the experience than you can imagine. I know my strengths and my weaknesses more clearly than before. I know I must remain vigilant in my thoughts, words, and deeds. I know I need to be prepared to fight the next battle when I am called to face the next test, and I can do so with less fear and more faith.
I want to end my talk with the last four paragraphs of Master Morya’s message to the Temple Convention this year. These words are a balm to my soul for all I have endured, and confirmed for me that my journey was not a punishment but a precious gift. Now, from the Master Morya:
Courageously renouncing that which contributes to dis-ease born of arrogance, if not ignorant selfishness, is becoming less a matter of choice. This is especially true with regard to intentionally knowing what can and must be surrendered. Without this first step — renunciation — the inner knowing of what you can live with and what you cannot live without will become indiscernible, well beyond your ability to choose responsibly before taking your last breath.
What I now remind you of is nearly impossible to do alone. Only together — in the name of caring, ethical, responsible, and respectful Universal Kinship — will you discover a future containing the potential, everlasting Elixir of Joy, the only true antidote for fruitfully enduring the natural growing pains of living.
The Karma now in action may appear to be godless, devoid of Love or Mercy, yet the Law of Reincarnation demands the expiation Of Karma, the consequential Adjudication of Humanity’s past behaviors. The personification of God has its value but tends to inspire a disregard for self-responsibility. Whatever your belief system, God is Love, God is Law, and God is Karma.
You will never cease being held accountable, even when you become One with the Law of Love. There can be no existence without Compassion and Forgiveness, yet never may they be used to rescind disobedience to the Higher Law. There is no escape from Divine Justice, no matter how you may perceive the illusion of time.
Be looking up. Be looking within. Overcome and become that which you are meant to be, that which you need to be. Learn to hold sacred the Sanctity of Life.
Morya
Finally, if the testing forces come your way, try-try-try to remember it’s not a punishment, but a precious gift.
—Sherry Seehof
August 18, 2024